ROD'S REVIEW
What started as an April Fool's joke has turned into a marketing home run. After posting the Tauntaun sleeping bag on their website, the demand was so overwhelming that the folks at Thinkgeek.com went about producing it, and now you can own one for yourself. At The Gamehole, we take pride in reviewing items on the cutting edge of sweetness, and even in these tough economic times, at $99.99, this item is worth every cent.
For those who need a refresher, go back and watch Star Wars Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back. Tauntauns are a species of snow lizard found on the snowy plains of the planet Hoth. The Rebel Alliance domesticated the animals, and used them to patrol outside in the freezing cold. They are known for their cold-resistant blood and inner organs, and a thick layer of insulating fat and fur. Han saved Luke's life by slicing open a tauntaun and stuffing him inside the dead body to protect him from the elements and keep him warm.
Apparently, Thinkgeek labs have isolated the synthetic compounds needed to re-create tauntaun fur. The bag comes complete with saddle, printed internal intestines, and a lightsaber zipper pull. According to the product description, features include:
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simulates the warmth of a tauntaun carcass
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great for playing "save Luke from the Wampa" games
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bag dimensions - 33" x 67" (not including head pillow or legs)
Many of you may be thinking this would be a fun gift for your kids. Screw that. Kids don't deserve such a first-rate item. They grow up thinking "Attack of the Clones" was a good movie. They carry around Jar Jar Binks action figures, quoting lines like, "Weesa got a grand army. That's why you no like us meesa thinks." And they actually think that Greedo shot first! Are you kidding me!? But who can blame them. George Lucas has forced these abominations on our younger generation. It's amazing that he actually approved this item to be produced. Further proof that Lucas Films never passes on an opportunity to make a buck.
It's no wonder so many Star Wars fans despise that Lucas Films refuses to digitally re-master the three original theatrical films as they were and release them on dvd. Here's a quick list of the most heinous changes that were made to the original films when they were released as "special" edition features.
Jedi's don't scream. The 1997 special edition of "Empire" was changed so that Luke screams like a newborn as he jumps off the platform after his duel with Vader.
The big finale of "Jedi." The special edition added things from the upcoming prequel trilogy, including an image of Hayden Christensen as Anakin in the scene where the ghosts of him, Obi-Wan and Yoda smile at Luke.
Han shot first! But I digress...
Back to the sleeping bags. The product features caution that the bag is for indoor use only and not suitable for camping. After testing it myself, I can tell you that this is bullshit. I took the tauntaun sleeping bag camping the last time I was up in Canada. Besides keeping me warm it brought added piece of mind just in case a bear or other wild animal thought of messing with our campsite.
The bag actually did come in handy during an encounter in the middle of one night. You just never know what could be rustling around the campsite. Everyone else was cowering in their tents, but not me. I can still see the look on that marmot's face when I jumped out of the tent in my tauntaun sleeping bag and gave chase. You think a varmint is going to tangle with a 6-feet tall horned snow lizard? No need to rattle pots and pans or curl up in the fetal position and play dead anymore. Thanks tauntaun sleeping bag. I owe you one.
SCOTT'S REVIEW
From my favorite movie The Empire Strikes Back this is when Han Solo rescues Luke Skywalker on Hoth. When Han finds Luke stranded outside the rebel base, Luke’s been injured in a Wampa attack and is near freezing to death. To keep his friend alive until he can build their tent shelter for the night, Han uses Luke’s lightsaber to cut open his tauntaun and secures his friend inside the animal’s entrails. “I thought they smelled bad on the outside” Han says. But what would be better to survive a cold night on Hoth, a Tauntaun or the cotton version of one.
So the way I see it is the problem for Luke is if the Tauntaun’s body temperature reaches freezing point, those once toasty guts, blood, and assorted alien goo, will in fact become a frozen coffin. If the Tauntaun died of cardiac arrest due to hypothermia with an average body temperature of 75 F (23 C), and if Tauntaun blood freezes at 28.4 F (-2 C), then Han has roughly a hour to set up a shelter before Luke once again is in danger of losing his life due to the cold temperatures of Hoth.
Now If Han had this sweet Tauntaun bag with the lightsaber zipper, Luke's core temperature would have been stabilized and he would have not had to pick guts and whatever out of his hair for the next two weeks. Also can you imagine the smell, it’s kind of like that day after Zorbas gyro smell that lingers on way to long.
Finally, what has taken us so long to reproduce a fine product like this? We have the technology to produce Snuggys and the Slap-Chop but it takes an April Fool’s joke to finally bring this to market. It's too bad that so many of us first generation Star Wars people will have to fight our kids to use their sleeping bags to relive a night on the bitter cold wastelands of Hoth.
