Thorns by Gary Ruddell
KRAMMER'S REVIEW
The resident of the lowest concentric circle of photographic hell is senior portraits. Sure, you might think would be food images, pet pictures or even Glamour Shots, but you would be wrong. It is senior portraits. It is the lowest form of the photographic arts.
Why so harsh?, you might ask. Well, 90% of them are straightforward pimple faced head shots. They do suck, but that does not take the entire field into the crapper. No, the fault for that are the “creative” senior portraits. You know, the douche sitting on a stump in the woods with the wind blowing through his mullet to forever memorialize his high school career.
Here are some examples. Check this guy out:
And this DB:
And finally, speaking of douche:
Anyway, onto this week’s review.
This one is pretty confusing. I get that it is an alien senior portrait. The pose and the thousand yard stare makes that conclusion unavoidable.
The desert could be explained by a delicate sinus condition. Maybe the dry air is soothing to his nasal flaps.
The chick in the background is troubling. She clearly cannot be right there behind his shoulder. As you will notice, her hair is flowing in the wind. The flowers in the foreground seem to be unaffected by this same wind. How can this possibly be explained?
This cannot be a fuck up by a talented photographer. No, not possible. I believe this is a risky attempt at perspective. For that, it should be applauded. What he have here is a tiny squid fingered alien lamping on some succulents while in the back ground, miles away, rests a giant woman. Somehow this artist has managed to eliminate the depth of field and bring both subjects into perfect focus. Brilliant!
This does not explain the obvious ennui of the alien subject. Why so sad cupcake? Why are your sideways eyes brimming with tears? Maybe it is the varicose veins in his upper body. That is a bit weird. Anyway, he should cheer up as he is the subject of an avant garde, game changing photograph!
What? This is not a photo? It is a graphic some dildo through together? Fuck.
RYAN'S REVIEW
This is my first review, so I wanted to pick a piece that generated the raw emotion, complexity and thought provoking questions that gameholers have come to expect. I think this little gem does that.
The look that our main character gives through his facegina says "how can I 'get the ass'" and "what would I do with it if I got it"?
She waits patiently in her oversized 80's sweater.
Possibly he is contemplating mistakes he has made like spending valuable pieces of his life being the best at memorizing rules and tactics for things that have no application to reality. Can he distinguish reality from fantasy any longer? Does his face look like this from spending too much time in his Rapier Helm and stroking his saber? Perhaps this is why he compulsively caresses the wooden blue phallus. Maybe he was injured at an event like say........ a baseball game where most people get OUT of the way of screaming line drives.
With all the possible interpretations, it is obvious to this writer what has happened here. I have seen this despondent, long face before.
She met his gaze from afar. They moved closer with locked eyes, his anticipation grew. His excitement was overwhelming as she neared his expectant embrace.
And finally she reaches out to touch his ....suckers....and says "How's Sean doing?"
