March 2010 Fantasy Art Review in The Gamehole

A Losing Battle by Dan Frasier
REIDS'S REVIEW Hi. I’m Reid, and I’m an adjunct member of the Gamehole community. As such, I’ve been asked to review this piece of fantasy art, and I’ve happily accepted the challenge. But, alas, I’m really having trouble with this one. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the fuck is going on in this picture. I mean, what are the dwarf people doing to that poor dragon? I mean, are they really trying to slay it? My God, how hackneyed and trite is that? Besides, it doesn’t look like they’re doing a very good job of it. You’ve got the guy with the hammer riding on the dragon’s head, and the other guy hanging from its teeth. And don’t even get me started on the guy in the lower right corner with the treasure chest. These are like the adaptive floor hockey dwarf warriors of yore. I’m just so confused. And look at the baffled expression of all of their little faces. Why are they so surprised? I mean, what the fuck else would these douchey little fucks be doing on . . . oh wait. Wait just a minute. Ooooh, I get it now. Yes, I see! They’re not trying to kill the dragon. No! They’re trying to have sex with it. Yes, I see it all now. It’s some perverse sexual act they’re trying to perform. You know, much like the Donkey Punch, the Hot Carl, the Dirty Sanchez, or the Cleveland Steamer, this is quite obviously some depraved form of medieval pygmy copulation. But which one? You know, I think they might be trying to give that dragon The Pirate. Oh, what’s The Pirate, you ask? That’s when you're getting a blowjob from a girl and when you're about to come, you ejaculate in her eye. Then you kick her in the shin. The result is the woman squinting her eye and hopping up and down on one foot, holding her leg and screaming, "ARRRGH!" No, that doesn’t seem right. Oh wait, maybe they’re trying to give that thing a Chief Joseph, which is when you pull out a girl’s bloody tampon with your teeth. Then you shake your head back and forth with it in your mouth making red marks on your cheeks, thus making yourself look like an Indian chief. But I don’t see a tampon anywhere. Hmmm. Oh, I think it might be that they’re giving the dragon a Gorilla Mask, which involves throwing some pubic hair on a woman’s face right after she receives a facial. The hair sticks to the semen, creating a face that looks like a gorilla’s. Nope, no pubes seem to be present. Damn, this is a tough one. Could it be that they’re trying to give the dragon an Icy Mike, whereby they piss into a condom, freeze it, and then fuck their partner with it? Oh wait, duh! There’s no condom in the picture. So, that means they can’t be giving the dragon a Hot Lips Houlihan, where you spread Tabasco sauce on your condom before fucking a girl. Maybe they’re trying to do some sweet Space Docking, which is where you shit into a woman’s vagina. Or could it be a Tony Danza, which is when you’re balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, "Who's the boss? Who's the boss, bitch?" Typically, she will yell, "You are," at which point you turn her around, slap her with your cock and yell, "No. Tony Danza's the boss." But I can’t confirm from this picture if they’re yelling anything at all. Gosh, this is hard. Maybe it would be easier to eliminate things that it’s not. Like for instance, it’s apparent that they’re not giving the dragon a Grumpy Munchkin, which is where a woman is on the toilet taking a shit while at the same time giving her man a blow job. And they’re certainly not giving that dragon a Zamboni, which is when you’re doing a girl from behind, and when you are about to bust, you pull your cock out and spray your goo on her back. Then you spread it over her back with your nuts, like a zamboni. And the technology simply didn’t exist in their time for them to be giving the dragon a Birmingham Booty Call, which is when you set your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are fucking, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face. No, that simply isn’t possible. How about a Fish Eye, which is when the guy is fucking his girl doggy-style, pulls out right before orgasm, spits on her back or neck to trick her into thinking he ejaculated on her, then shoots his load into her eye when she turns her head. Or could it be a Boston Pancake, where the guy shits on his woman’s tits, flattens it out by sitting on it, and then ejaculates on the turd, thus giving it the “syrup.” Or maybe it’s a Dump Truck, where you are in a hot 69 with your girl, but then you sit up, make a beeping sound like a truck in reverse, and then take a shit on her face. Or how about a Dirty Gas Pump, which is when your girl is teabagging you, and with her nose between your asscheeks, you fart in her face. No? Damn it! Could it be a Frothy Walrus, which is where a woman is sucking your cock, and you then make her laugh right as you’re about to come so it winds up shooting out of her nostrils. Oh fuck! I give up. I have no idea what those fuckin’ little dwarves are doing to that poor dragon. What’s that you say? Huh? Really? Oh. Well, I feel kind of stupid. I’m being told that they are fighting the dragon after all. Nothing sexual. So, uh, just forget all that I stuff I just said, okay? Cool. I have to go to my job at the daycare now. Bye!
NUTSON'S REVIEW If there’s one thing I like about his piece, it’s everything. In fact, I am going to break my nine year streak of shitting on fantasy art right now. And deservedly so. This piece really does have it all. I’ll assume these are dwarves, but really they could be any flavor of Haitian you like. One is being scooped up by the dragon’s tail. It’s hooked under his belt. That is adorable J. Another is riding on its neck, AND has an eye patch. Fantastic. A third is clinging to the dragon’s tooth. Exciting! And another is trying to stab it with a spear, but he’s so small that’s he dangling in the air. These four fellows sure do have their hands full don’t they? But you know what? I think it’s all going to work out for these little rascals. Want to know why? I’ll tell you. They all, and I mean every single mother fucking one of them, has their mouth open. And you know what that means. Tight scratchy dwarf mouth fallacio, or TSDMF. Think I'm full of shit? Don’t think this whole piece is about TSDMF? Well check this Da Vinci Code shit out. The drawf riding the dragon is grasping a phallus. The dwarf hanging onto its teeth is grasping a phallus. The dude with the spear? Phallus. And what’s that under the last guy’s belt. I’ll give you a clue; it starts with ph, ends with us, and has all in the middle. That’s all fine and good you say. But a bunch of dwarves hungry for cock does not great fantasy art make. Tsk tsk I say. Think back to any great work of art. What do they all have in common? Pursed lips and cocks-a-waiting. Don’t believe me? That’s because you’re a retard. Check this out: That’s Velazquez, and I count about 30 stiff shafts and many mustachioed expectant mouths. I'm pretty sure this is by Michelangelo. The pillowcase work is a dead giveaway. That dog is shaved in all the right places. Sculpture by Greeky McGreek. Weiner – check. Opened mouth – check. Had enough? Yeah. Me too. So there you have it. My first positive fantasy art review ever. And it couldn’t have been for a better piece. I’ll expect to see you all with your TSDMF milky white support bracelets on the next time, with a dab of triple anti-biotic ointment staining through the front of your pants.

A Losing Battle by Dan Frasier

REIDS'S REVIEW

Hi. I’m Reid, and I’m an adjunct member of the Gamehole community. As such, I’ve been asked to review this piece of fantasy art, and I’ve happily accepted the challenge.

But, alas, I’m really having trouble with this one. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the fuck is going on in this picture. I mean, what are the dwarf people doing to that poor dragon? I mean, are they really trying to slay it? My God, how hackneyed and trite is that? Besides, it doesn’t look like they’re doing a very good job of it. You’ve got the guy with the hammer riding on the dragon’s head, and the other guy hanging from its teeth. And don’t even get me started on the guy in the lower right corner with the treasure chest. These are like the adaptive floor hockey dwarf warriors of yore. I’m just so confused.

And look at the baffled expression of all of their little faces. Why are they so surprised? I mean, what the fuck else would these douchey little fucks be doing on . . . oh wait. Wait just a minute. Ooooh, I get it now. Yes, I see!
They’re not trying to kill the dragon. No! They’re trying to have sex with it. Yes, I see it all now. It’s some perverse sexual act they’re trying to perform. You know, much like the Donkey Punch, the Hot Carl, the Dirty Sanchez, or the Cleveland Steamer, this is quite obviously some depraved form of medieval pygmy copulation. But which one?

You know, I think they might be trying to give that dragon The Pirate. Oh, what’s The Pirate, you ask? That’s when you're getting a blowjob from a girl and when you're about to come, you ejaculate in her eye. Then you kick her in the shin. The result is the woman squinting her eye and hopping up and down on one foot, holding her leg and screaming, "ARRRGH!"

No, that doesn’t seem right. Oh wait, maybe they’re trying to give that thing a Chief Joseph, which is when you pull out a girl’s bloody tampon with your teeth. Then you shake your head back and forth with it in your mouth making red marks on your cheeks, thus making yourself look like an Indian chief.

But I don’t see a tampon anywhere. Hmmm. Oh, I think it might be that they’re giving the dragon a Gorilla Mask, which involves throwing some pubic hair on a woman’s face right after she receives a facial. The hair sticks to the semen, creating a face that looks like a gorilla’s.

Nope, no pubes seem to be present. Damn, this is a tough one. Could it be that they’re trying to give the dragon an Icy Mike, whereby they piss into a condom, freeze it, and then fuck their partner with it? Oh wait, duh! There’s no condom in the picture. So, that means they can’t be giving the dragon a Hot Lips Houlihan, where you spread Tabasco sauce on your condom before fucking a girl. Maybe they’re trying to do some sweet Space Docking, which is where you shit into a woman’s vagina. Or could it be a Tony Danza, which is when you’re balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, "Who's the boss? Who's the boss, bitch?" Typically, she will yell, "You are," at which point you turn her around, slap her with your cock and yell, "No. Tony Danza's the boss."

But I can’t confirm from this picture if they’re yelling anything at all. Gosh, this is hard. Maybe it would be easier to eliminate things that it’s not. Like for instance, it’s apparent that they’re not giving the dragon a Grumpy Munchkin, which is where a woman is on the toilet taking a shit while at the same time giving her man a blow job. And they’re certainly not giving that dragon a Zamboni, which is when you’re doing a girl from behind, and when you are about to bust, you pull your cock out and spray your goo on her back. Then you spread it over her back with your nuts, like a zamboni. And the technology simply didn’t exist in their time for them to be giving the dragon a Birmingham Booty Call, which is when you set your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are fucking, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face. No, that simply isn’t possible.

How about a Fish Eye, which is when the guy is fucking his girl doggy-style, pulls out right before orgasm, spits on her back or neck to trick her into thinking he ejaculated on her, then shoots his load into her eye when she turns her head. Or could it be a Boston Pancake, where the guy shits on his woman’s tits, flattens it out by sitting on it, and then ejaculates on the turd, thus giving it the “syrup.” Or maybe it’s a Dump Truck, where you are in a hot 69 with your girl, but then you sit up, make a beeping sound like a truck in reverse, and then take a shit on her face. Or how about a Dirty Gas Pump, which is when your girl is teabagging you, and with her nose between your asscheeks, you fart in her face. No? Damn it! Could it be a Frothy Walrus, which is where a woman is sucking your cock, and you then make her laugh right as you’re about to come so it winds up shooting out of her nostrils.

Oh fuck! I give up. I have no idea what those fuckin’ little dwarves are doing to that poor dragon.

What’s that you say? Huh? Really? Oh. Well, I feel kind of stupid. I’m being told that they are fighting the dragon after all. Nothing sexual. So, uh, just forget all that I stuff I just said, okay? Cool. I have to go to my job at the daycare now. Bye!

NUTSON'S REVIEW

If there’s one thing I like about his piece, it’s everything. In fact, I am going to break my nine year streak of shitting on fantasy art right now. And deservedly so. This piece really does have it all. I’ll assume these are dwarves, but really they could be any flavor of Haitian you like. One is being scooped up by the dragon’s tail. It’s hooked under his belt. That is adorable J. Another is riding on its neck, AND has an eye patch. Fantastic. A third is clinging to the dragon’s tooth. Exciting! And another is trying to stab it with a spear, but he’s so small that’s he dangling in the air. These four fellows sure do have their hands full don’t they? But you know what? I think it’s all going to work out for these little rascals. Want to know why? I’ll tell you. They all, and I mean every single mother fucking one of them, has their mouth open. And you know what that means. Tight scratchy dwarf mouth fallacio, or TSDMF.

Think I'm full of shit? Don’t think this whole piece is about TSDMF? Well check this Da Vinci Code shit out. The drawf riding the dragon is grasping a phallus. The dwarf hanging onto its teeth is grasping a phallus. The dude with the spear? Phallus. And what’s that under the last guy’s belt. I’ll give you a clue; it starts with ph, ends with us, and has all in the middle.

That’s all fine and good you say. But a bunch of dwarves hungry for cock does not great fantasy art make. Tsk tsk I say. Think back to any great work of art. What do they all have in common? Pursed lips and cocks-a-waiting. Don’t believe me? That’s because you’re a retard. Check this out:

That’s Velazquez, and I count about 30 stiff shafts and many mustachioed expectant mouths.

I'm pretty sure this is by Michelangelo. The pillowcase work is a dead giveaway. That dog is shaved in all the right places.

Sculpture by Greeky McGreek. Weiner – check. Opened mouth – check.

Had enough? Yeah. Me too.

So there you have it. My first positive fantasy art review ever. And it couldn’t have been for a better piece. I’ll expect to see you all with your TSDMF milky white support bracelets on the next time, with a dab of triple anti-biotic ointment staining through the front of your pants.