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 1Aye, we can tells you something 'bout the Band of the Hand...or as we call 'em, the Band of the Handjob. They got this gnome pincushion what's inspected more purple dragon soldiers than any general I ever heard of. They got some pink priest whose crank spends more time in maidens then in his britches. Yeah, fearsome group that Band of the Hand, that is if you like keeping your hooper tight and your fingers out of a gnome bowling ball. Then they got this halfling with a sprite dancing on his beans. I guess those three make up for the one with a face like a pot of stew, and the gay ones, 'Pack-me-man' and 'Eireacharound'. We seen 'em all 'round here not too long ago. Said something about doing some adventuring. That was right before we stole their horses! - Crapple and Feltch - Orcs for Hire in Dagger Falls 2From the Secret Diary of Ketra Tostin I have decided to head back to Waterdeep with the Hand. It was a tough decision. I have traveled across Faerun for nearly a year now. I was beginning to think it was time to give up traveling, go home, and try to make peace with my father. A girl can’t traipse across the countryside forever, at least according to Mother. Besides, the stakes seem to be getting pretty high in this adventuring business. The more we accomplish, the more the next person asks us to do. I am as brave as any man, but just the other day, I really thought I was done for. We really did meet Tyr and Sune face to face, although no one believes us. I wouldn’t believe it myself, were I not wearing the ring Sune herself presented to me. I have been trying to tell myself I should get out while I still have my head. Deep down, however, I knew that nothing could scare me enough to quit now. The truth is that annoyance, rather than fear, nearly sent me packing. I have been traveling with this little group of men for nearly a year now. You would think I would be used to them by now. But they drive me nuts! I have never heard such gossips! They are worse than that quilting clutch my grandmother was in. I am barely awake each morning before they are whispering about whose bed my boots were under. I think that most of the time, they know his name before I do! And, of course, being men, they know EVERYTHING! They know what I should say and when I should say it. They know what is best for me. They always say they want me to put my two cents in, but they never listen when I do. Why should they? They already know the answers!! So why am I staying? Because even though I want to strangle my comrades, I love them to pieces. They can be so cute sometimes! Like when Eire doesn’t get his way, and he gets a little pouty. Or when I try to hug Kennit and he gets all panicky. Or when Padimon covers a puddle with his cloak so I can step over it. I could be up to my whatnots in goblin blood, but in the name of Tyr, I never get muddy! A year ago I had never left my home in the Sunset Mountains. Now, with these men, I have sailed the high seas, been borne through the air, and spent time in several prisons. I can’t even count anymore the times each one of them has saved my life. If they can put up with my ass for all this time, I can do the same. 3The world is a sea of chaos. At least, that is what it seems at times. I have been experiencing this feeling more and more often while with the Band of the Hand. Why does not everyone strive to live in an ordered society? Why must lawlessness be so rampant in all parts of the Realms? Sometimes, it feels like I am drowning in this sea of chaos. There are instances where it is all that I can do to keep this madness from breaching the ramparts of my controlled discipline. I ride across the Realms meting out justice pursuant to the dictates of Tyr, but at times it seems pointless. However, when all seems hopeless and lost, I turn to Tyr. Everytime I open myself to the wisdom of Tyr, I realize that the path of justice is the only true path. Any other way of thinking must be resisted. Every person feels the pull of evil and anarchy. That is where I and my order come in. I ride across the land with my Book of Law, noting all the misdeeds and disorder committed in Faerun. When appropriate, I punish. Interestingly, upon reflection, it strikes me that I have yet to encounter an incident involving lawlessness where punishment was not appropriate. Such is the word of Tyr. All must walk in the light of justice. Entropy and discord must be fought with ferocity and determination. To not do so would lead to madness and utter ruin. I worry for my companions at times. They are basically decent and lawabiding people. However, occasionally they stray. I am especially concerned about Hugo and Eire. They both show a disturbing predilection towards lawlessness. This is unfortunate. Simply because they are my companions does not mean they are exempt from the law of Tyr. Even the dearest of friends and family members must be punished for aberrant behavior. No one is innocent. All must walk in the light of justice or face the swift and exacting Hand of Tyr. - Padimon Jhansczil Paladin of Tyr 4Dear Diary, I had that dream about Hugo again. You know, the one where they float in through the window.... But just as he flies almost within my grasp, he suddenly turns into a moth and flies away. I don't know what that means! I do know that I am sick with worry about my companion. He has been missing for a fortnight now, ever since Artemis of Way hired him to go to the Ruins of Inverness and retrieve the Soul Gem. Why did Hugo attempt this without the protection of the party? We high tailed it after him as soon as we got the news, and we reached the ruins this morning. My dread grows with each hour. We have seen no sign of Hugo. We have seen no sign of life at all other than some nasty Meffit guards. We dispatched of them easily enough. I imagine something much smarter than meffits must be guarding an item as powerful as this Gem. We just can't see what yet. The Ruins are an eerie place. We have found this weird beaded curtain we can't see through and a huge glass ball on a pedestal etched with strange letters. All I can do is hope that we find little Hugo before something else does. - Ketra 5Entry From the Journal of Hugo's Travels: I suppose I should write of how I met the motley band of adventurers with whom I’m currently running. I was on a bad losing streak at the Violet Warrior Inn in the City of Longspear. I’d had either one too many an ale, or that damn merchant was marking the cards. I was about to pick his pocket when a tall tin can walked in, and he proclaimed that he needed men to complete a quest. Padimon is one tight assed chunk of platemail. He kept going on about the hand of Tyr and some phony baloney wheel of justice. I’ll have to be careful of my actions around this law abiding brute. He gathered a group of men and a gnome chick. It sounded like an adventure full of riches for old Hugo Burrows, so I agreed to go along. But when Padimon referred to me as a child, I knew vengeance would have to be swift. After everyone retired to bed, I tarred and feathered his steed, whom he has lovingly named Raven. Ha, ha! This Raven looked more like a clucking chicken when I was finished with him! The next morning, two stable boys explained what happened, and I took pleasure in harassing the little shits. Stupid kids! Always picking on me because I’m short! Little bastards! - Hugo Burrows 6Kennit's whimsical stylings: I am stuck traveling with this rather nausiating fellow with a very dark complexion. His love for tabak laced with mint rivals only his love for the cheap ale and gold. Most recently he opened an exploding book in the pressence of the group and the damnating fool nearly did us all in. Did I mention his foul usage of the common language.... he speaks with such an accent it is almost impossible to make out what he is saying ...and that absurd cap on his head to keep his hair from getting wet. I fear I will stray from my righteous woodland path and turn that greedy ape into a toad. Regardless of his fancy education, he still has the sense of a bloody slug, and I fear he will be the undoing of us all.......but if I see the moment coming he will be undone prior to the group, that I will assure you. Fuckin bone head. - Kennit 7Sadly, two of the Hand have fallen. Both of the wee folk, Hugo and Ketra met their end in the depths of Castle Spluzeer. Tis a sad fate. Ketra was stout of heart and kind of word. Hugo was, well, a thief, but a decent enough sort. If all the ages spent tramping across the realms have taught me nothing, I have learned that often out of death and despair comes life and hope. Consider the Band of the Hand. Two new members have joined the Band. One, Greywolf, is a druid in the service of Sylvanus. The second is a little guttersnipe named Lily whose nimble fingers have separated many an unwary traveler from the contents of their pockets. I will be very interested to see how these two new companions get on with the existing members of the Band. Padimon, "iron neck," as he is often referred to not in his presence, is a hard man to get to know and an even harder one to get to trust. We will have to see. Rest assured, I will be watching. - Elminster of Shadowdale 8An open letter to the Band of the Hand from Greywolf: Friends, Nine years of my life I lived as one with holly, rowan and squirrel. I am now having difficulty reconciling my desire to adventure with its unintended consequences. I have decided to memorize enchantments to protect harmless creatures, and this will supercede other powers I possess such as healing party members. If I cannot in the future work to prevent the slaughter, I will leave the Band of the Hand and return to my home among woodland creatures. I have killed my last snow leopard. Harm no flora or fauna Leave no trace Protect the beautiful Revived and in balance. - Greywolf 9From the Journal of Lily White.... ....and I was getting so sick of hearing, "Lily, your order's up!" "Lily, mop the kitchen!" "Lily, more beer here!" I knew if I spent one more minute in that town some fatso would end up with a plate of quail eggs in his lap. So when these rich suckers waltzed in, the so-called 'Band of the Hand' I jumped on the chance to get out of town. Obviously, such classy adventurers would know how to treat a lady, right? Now it's, "Lily, pick this lock!" "Lily, check out that tunnel." "Lily, blow me?" And every hour I hear, "Lily, why are you running from battle?" Umm...Because it's a battle!!!! May the gods forbid that I ever have sons. Now we've picked up this Gareth chick from the dungeons of the fire giants. It is nice to have the company of a woman under 20 feet tall. But I don't know much about her. She had better keep her hands off my shit. She could be useful, though. Better that she triggers a poisoned lock than I..... - Lily 10These temporal cripples which I have passed these last few years with begin to wear upon even my near infinite patience. While a valiant knight, Padimon with his incessant Tyr, wheel of justice, etc…, is tolerable only due to his unsurpassed abilities in battle. Ello whom I have struck a sometime alliance with is possibly the most vain creature in this or any dimension and has nonetheless apparently lost the favor of his glorified whore goddess Sune. Proving yet again that God’s are nothing if not petty children, given eternity they elect to watch their cattle just waiting for them to transgress in the slightest so they might bring their “holy wrath” down upon them. Greywolf whom has recently joined the party seems to be a worthy warrior, while his endless don’t kill this and why are you slaughtering that can sometimes become tiresome his balance with nature is admirable. Looking to the opposite end of the spectrum I find Lily, another new recruit whom I observe with the utmost disdain, she appears to have no interests other than pilfering every last electrum from each chamber we enter and has succeeded in garnering the distrust of every member of the Band. I have instructed my faithful companion Truesilver to watch her at all times as she has a tendency to pop in and out slinking around the walls and ceilings as a winged rodent. Lastly I look to Kennit the sometimes ranger who appears to be the victim of some grand cosmic joke. I have never met a less fortunate creature, he seems to stride confidently into each new trap (leading with his face), apparently not fearful of the inevitable slash of the sword, axe, claw or the splash of some new hideously disfiguring acid. Despite this foolhardiness he does serve to lighten our sometimes somber moods with his oft inexplicable epileptic paroxysms of mirth, thereby serving a worthy purpose for the Band. While a stout bunch I feel that our adventures may be nearing a close, and though I will strive to the last to save us from whatever fate might befall our noble band I will not allow myself to fall as our former comrades Berik, Hugo and Ketra. The good which I might do in my long life far outweighs the fleeting lives of my bold companions. - Eire Wyndlem 11Sune calls upon me to find beauty in everything. If I have to look to find beauty in something, doesn't that mean that it must be something other than beautiful when I begin my search? Can't anything be beautiful innately and strike me immediately? Must I search for beauty? Without a doubt I have been the most successful priest of Sune in history. I have freed slaves in her name. Destroyed endless evil in her name. I have erected a gigantic Church outside Waterdeep in her honor - maybe you've heard of it. I have healed those who were sick, and have have inserted my penis into those vaginas, etc., that were empty. I have worn faggy earrings, and I have danced around in 'light red' armor for years now. I drink wine out of a box, and I sleep on a bed with slippery sheets. I endlessly strive to add members to her flock, and I always have my schwerve on. Recently, certain, shall we say, unfortunate incidents took place. I have been in battle for so long, and so long underground, and so long without the company of a lady, that my temper was at its end. Then some half-elf insulted Sune. Having done nothing but kill recently, it seemed natural to crisp the little bastard like a s'more. I see now, that I acted rashly, and Sune would have wanted me to give the poor fool a hug, and let him bask in my musk and my beauty. Did I mention that I have seen Sune's face? I truly am her most prized prophet and mortal. I also totally did it with every single bridesmaid at Matt Blair's wedding. That was quite a night. Let's just say the old saying is true - hooper then snapper, you'll feel dapper - snapper then hooper, you smell like a pooper. Anyway, let's just say that here in WhiteHorse I have fuck-ed many. The BOTH are good friends to me. Padimon is like a big brother. Eire is like a best friend. Greywolf is like a summer wind. Lily is like a person with a vagina. Kennit is like Lily. I will refocus my energy to help the BOTH and to bring glory to Sune through my tireless efforts destroying evil and popping cherries. I love you Sune. I love you Band of the Hand. I love you Ello. - Ello Clearsky High Priest of Sune |
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