Wolf Bride by Chief Slappaho
NUTSON'S REVIEW
Is there any genre lamer than the misplaced awe white folks have for injun heritage? They were so in touch with the Earth. They didn't have our sinister concept of ownership. They raised children as a community and used every part of the majestic buffalo.
They also lived in houses made out of blankets, thought shiny beads were worth as much as land, and got their asses kicked by guys with handlebar mustaches. Is theirs really the culture we want to celebrate?
Art is good for nostalgia based on myth. Fantasy art is even better. Fantasy art allows us to capture all that was magical about the noble injuns (but isn't actually based at all on reality) and add a squatting rack. Love that art.
So really the concept for this piece should have been about as easy as stopping an injun from drinking firewater (hide his booze in his work boot (thanks Andy)), but the 'artist' took some serious missteps. You want to show a hot chick communing with a wolf and worshiping the moon? It's been done, but that's fine. So paint a hot chick and a wolf and a moon, and ta-da! You're done. Instead, what we have with this piece is a long list of what not to do. For example:
1. Sideburns. As a general rule, hot chicks, even wolf-chicks, do NOT have sideburns. They are not hot. Not even in make believe injun times when the maize flowed like water.
2. Erect tails. Consumers of injun fantasy art (guys who ride motorcycles in the Dakotas) are heterosexual honkies who do not want any risk of things being rammed in their maizeholes. The erect wolfie tail here is just too close to the line for comfort.
3. Hairy boobs and elbows. I would hope this one goes without saying, but hairy boobs? Is that hot to anyone? Hairy elbows? I understand we're supposed to be witnessing some sort of human-animal hybrid here, but not even George W. hisself would want anything to do with hairy boobs.
4. Injun earrings and war paint. Superfluous. Clichéd. Lame.
5. Disinterested floating dogs. This dog is clearly looking off set at the photographer's kid who is holding a choco taco. It isn't even interested in the chick trying to crack its spine. I would think it might be a little worked up about floating in mid air as well. It doesn't seem to be. Why? Because this artist sucks.
6. The moon. What percentage of crappy painting with wolves do NOT have a full moon in them? I think wolves bay at the moon because they are so fucking sick of it. Seeing endless pieces of shit works of 'art' like this must really piss them off. "We hate the fucking moon, ok? We're barking at it to make it go away. Quit fucking associating us with it all the time. Christ."
I would not be a well-paid and well-respected art critic if I didn’t provide guidance to wayward fantasy artists. Anyone can point out why this piece of art is a steaming pile of prairie dog pellets. But someone who really cares about fantasy art, as I clearly do based on my decade long crusade to improve it, will also try to point artists in the right direction.
You want to paint wolf people? Step one. Hire this guy as a model:
You want to accurately represent the proud native injun heritage? Look no further than Spirit, fringe member of G.I. Joe:
He has a bald eagle, a papoose looking thing, some nice boots he picked up at Wall Drug, and a red apron thing for when he has to pick up a shift in the kitchen at Red Lobster. That's a true injun. No wolves, no war paint, no giving a shit about nature.
I expect we will all now witness a sweeping change in fantasy art. I can't wait to bear witness to the vast improvements inevitably on the horizon.
Chief Nutson Donkey Sac
KRAMMER'S REVIEW
Spaceballs, now that was a movie. As John Candy so poignantly delivered, "I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!" Rest in peace Barf, rest in peace. And that is where it should have been left.
With great trepidation I am going to try and review our most recent offering. Obviously, it sucks. It's childish blending of some sort of native crap and furry tits is quite off putting. Maybe because of its sheer silliness, I find myself taking a second look even though I don't want to. It is like clicking the link to an article with details of Corey Haim's death. You really know that you should not give a shit, but you can't help wondering how that douche met his well deserved end.
But I digress. This is not a Lost Boys retrospective.
This lady has fur in all the right places if you know what I am saying; like on her forearms – hot! With back, tit and wrist fur, it stands to reason that she has a pretty shaggy beaver. Why then roll with the cod piece? Did the QB who etch and sketched this out think that the snatch flap accessorized the tribal tats and dream catcher earrings? Stupid.
Seriously though, the chick's tail is a dead ringer for Barf's. It is one thing to create bad fantasy art. It is quite another to blatantly steal from an icon.
Another thing that bugs is the wolf/husky. It looks like it was pasted in. Whoever "drew" the chick obviously did not create the wolf. Pocahontas stroking the juxtaposed wolf reminds me of the blind kid petting the dead parakeet in Dumb and Dumber. Sure that was low brow comedy, but it beats this.
Getting back to Spaceballs, I leave you with this thought – As Lord Helmet said, "So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb." Yea, and this digital art has red stars in the sky.
March 2010 Fantasy Art Review in The Gamehole
A Losing Battle by Dan Frasier
REIDS'S REVIEW
Hi. I’m Reid, and I’m an adjunct member of the Gamehole community. As such, I’ve been asked to review this piece of fantasy art, and I’ve happily accepted the challenge.But, alas, I’m really having trouble with this one. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the fuck is going on in this picture. I mean, what are the dwarf people doing to that poor dragon? I mean, are they really trying to slay it? My God, how hackneyed and trite is that? Besides, it doesn’t look like they’re doing a very good job of it. You’ve got the guy with the hammer riding on the dragon’s head, and the other guy hanging from its teeth. And don’t even get me started on the guy in the lower right corner with the treasure chest. These are like the adaptive floor hockey dwarf warriors of yore. I’m just so confused.
And look at the baffled expression of all of their little faces. Why are they so surprised? I mean, what the fuck else would these douchey little fucks be doing on . . . oh wait. Wait just a minute. Ooooh, I get it now. Yes, I see!
They’re not trying to kill the dragon. No! They’re trying to have sex with it. Yes, I see it all now. It’s some perverse sexual act they’re trying to perform. You know, much like the Donkey Punch, the Hot Carl, the Dirty Sanchez, or the Cleveland Steamer, this is quite obviously some depraved form of medieval pygmy copulation. But which one?
You know, I think they might be trying to give that dragon The Pirate. Oh, what’s The Pirate, you ask? That’s when you're getting a blowjob from a girl and when you're about to come, you ejaculate in her eye. Then you kick her in the shin. The result is the woman squinting her eye and hopping up and down on one foot, holding her leg and screaming, "ARRRGH!"
No, that doesn’t seem right. Oh wait, maybe they’re trying to give that thing a Chief Joseph, which is when you pull out a girl’s bloody tampon with your teeth. Then you shake your head back and forth with it in your mouth making red marks on your cheeks, thus making yourself look like an Indian chief.
But I don’t see a tampon anywhere. Hmmm. Oh, I think it might be that they’re giving the dragon a Gorilla Mask, which involves throwing some pubic hair on a woman’s face right after she receives a facial. The hair sticks to the semen, creating a face that looks like a gorilla’s.
Nope, no pubes seem to be present. Damn, this is a tough one. Could it be that they’re trying to give the dragon an Icy Mike, whereby they piss into a condom, freeze it, and then fuck their partner with it? Oh wait, duh! There’s no condom in the picture. So, that means they can’t be giving the dragon a Hot Lips Houlihan, where you spread Tabasco sauce on your condom before fucking a girl. Maybe they’re trying to do some sweet Space Docking, which is where you shit into a woman’s vagina. Or could it be a Tony Danza, which is when you’re balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, "Who's the boss? Who's the boss, bitch?" Typically, she will yell, "You are," at which point you turn her around, slap her with your cock and yell, "No. Tony Danza's the boss."
But I can’t confirm from this picture if they’re yelling anything at all. Gosh, this is hard. Maybe it would be easier to eliminate things that it’s not. Like for instance, it’s apparent that they’re not giving the dragon a Grumpy Munchkin, which is where a woman is on the toilet taking a shit while at the same time giving her man a blow job. And they’re certainly not giving that dragon a Zamboni, which is when you’re doing a girl from behind, and when you are about to bust, you pull your cock out and spray your goo on her back. Then you spread it over her back with your nuts, like a zamboni. And the technology simply didn’t exist in their time for them to be giving the dragon a Birmingham Booty Call, which is when you set your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are fucking, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face. No, that simply isn’t possible.
How about a Fish Eye, which is when the guy is fucking his girl doggy-style, pulls out right before orgasm, spits on her back or neck to trick her into thinking he ejaculated on her, then shoots his load into her eye when she turns her head. Or could it be a Boston Pancake, where the guy shits on his woman’s tits, flattens it out by sitting on it, and then ejaculates on the turd, thus giving it the “syrup.” Or maybe it’s a Dump Truck, where you are in a hot 69 with your girl, but then you sit up, make a beeping sound like a truck in reverse, and then take a shit on her face. Or how about a Dirty Gas Pump, which is when your girl is teabagging you, and with her nose between your asscheeks, you fart in her face. No? Damn it! Could it be a Frothy Walrus, which is where a woman is sucking your cock, and you then make her laugh right as you’re about to come so it winds up shooting out of her nostrils.
Oh fuck! I give up. I have no idea what those fuckin’ little dwarves are doing to that poor dragon.
What’s that you say? Huh? Really? Oh. Well, I feel kind of stupid. I’m being told that they are fighting the dragon after all. Nothing sexual. So, uh, just forget all that I stuff I just said, okay? Cool. I have to go to my job at the daycare now. Bye!
NUTSON'S REVIEW
If there’s one thing I like about his piece, it’s everything. In fact, I am going to break my nine year streak of shitting on fantasy art right now. And deservedly so. This piece really does have it all. I’ll assume these are dwarves, but really they could be any flavor of Haitian you like. One is being scooped up by the dragon’s tail. It’s hooked under his belt. That is adorable J. Another is riding on its neck, AND has an eye patch. Fantastic. A third is clinging to the dragon’s tooth. Exciting! And another is trying to stab it with a spear, but he’s so small that’s he dangling in the air. These four fellows sure do have their hands full don’t they? But you know what? I think it’s all going to work out for these little rascals. Want to know why? I’ll tell you. They all, and I mean every single mother fucking one of them, has their mouth open. And you know what that means. Tight scratchy dwarf mouth fallacio, or TSDMF.Think I'm full of shit? Don’t think this whole piece is about TSDMF? Well check this Da Vinci Code shit out. The drawf riding the dragon is grasping a phallus. The dwarf hanging onto its teeth is grasping a phallus. The dude with the spear? Phallus. And what’s that under the last guy’s belt. I’ll give you a clue; it starts with ph, ends with us, and has all in the middle.
That’s all fine and good you say. But a bunch of dwarves hungry for cock does not great fantasy art make. Tsk tsk I say. Think back to any great work of art. What do they all have in common? Pursed lips and cocks-a-waiting. Don’t believe me? That’s because you’re a retard. Check this out:
That’s Velazquez, and I count about 30 stiff shafts and many mustachioed expectant mouths.
I'm pretty sure this is by Michelangelo. The pillowcase work is a dead giveaway. That dog is shaved in all the right places.
Sculpture by Greeky McGreek. Weiner – check. Opened mouth – check.
Had enough? Yeah. Me too.
So there you have it. My first positive fantasy art review ever. And it couldn’t have been for a better piece. I’ll expect to see you all with your TSDMF milky white support bracelets on the next time, with a dab of triple anti-biotic ointment staining through the front of your pants.
January 2010Fantasy Art Review in The Gamehole
Conan vs. The Devourer of Souls by Erin Chan
SCOTT'S REVIEW
This month’s FAR is a drawing that when I was growing up and looking for those artistic inspirations that I would find myself instead of looking at the classics of Michelangelo or Picasso, I would find myself paging through the old Savage Sword of Conan magazine. Erin Chan was a penciler that had a unique style that filled the page of many comic books and graphic novels in the 70's and 80's. His bold line design made a 2D drawing seem to come alive. And for a newbie artist it was all that I needed to fill my head with ideas and technique. But the story line was a great read with wonderful artwork.
A little history on the battle of these two:
Massive demonic entity who is one of Conan's most powerful and most terrifying of enemies. He is both a master swordsman and a practitioner of the dark arts, but his most terrible power is to consume souls. The Devourer of Souls was one of the baddest. He was nigh-immortal, had magical abilities and was a master schemer. He rode a carnivorous horse with batwings. He turned himself into a human, seduced a woman, and managed to father his own reincarnation. Conan was a guy who could best any living enemy in a fight, yet Wrarrl always gave him huge trouble. But in the end Conan destroyed the Jewel to prevent the Devourer from ever returning to earth again...or so we think.
So grab a SSofC and a immerse yourself in a forgotten classic of art.
SEAN'S REVIEW
I managed to make it nearly thirty years on the planet blissfully ignorant that a magazine called the Savage Sword of Conan ever existed, my image of evil in the publishing world was pretty much restricted to O Magazine or Highlights. Sadly those days were brought suddenly to an end when Scott brought this piece to me.
Did these people completely miss the point of fantasy art? I'm sure most of you that have been following along with us will recognize immediately that there are no tits, sex, creatures or robots in this month's subject.
I guess I'll try to look past that and come to some conclusions about this misguided effort.
First of all lets take a look at the background. Based on the lighting it would seem that the artist has attempted to capture simultaneous nuclear blasts in the sky and on the horizon. Slightly odd for a medieval setting, but Mr. Chan had his vision. The tentacles are an interesting feature too, there is absolutely no indication as to what they are attached to or whether they are taking sides in the battle or are simply innocent bystanders. Perhaps Mr. Chan had been practicing tentacles a lot that week and hated to see all that go to waste.
The Devourer is a pretty sad figure with his tattered clothes and cape, a helmet with some sort of crossbred batwings and antlers and what appears to be an incredibly advanced dental malady. Conan isn't exactly at his finest here either. I realize near naked is how he rolls, but I'm a little confused by his depiction with a battle axe in a magazine entitled the Savage Sword of Conan.
I guess when it comes right down to it a couple better choices early on and I think Mr. Chan could have really had something here. Maybe instead of everyone fighting on a bed of tentacles you have a hot Medusa, he still gets to draw his tentacles and we have something nice to look at. Come to think of it you could probably just knock the Devourer out of this thing and maybe Conan and Medusa are just going at it like there's no tomorrow, which there probably isn't due to the nuclear disaster going on in the background. There should probably be some kind of doomsday robot way in the background to explain the nuclear explosions too. Yeah, that sounds more like it.
